A Talkin Man’s Talkin Technology Blues
copyright 2014 Sam Steffen
Other day I got a phone call from a friend of mine,
Friend I ain’t seen in the longest time
Said he’s passin through town, like to pay me a visit
He says, you’re not busy, Sam, it’s not inconvenient is it?
I said, Busy? Boy it has been a while
I ain’t been busy since the late 1990s
I said when’ll you be here, he says, One day or the next
Says, how bout when I’m close I shoot you a text
I said, What? He says, I’ll send a text-message
I said, And what’s that, exactly?—Sounds impressive
He says don’t tell me you don’t get text messages
I said, of course I do—post man brings em all the time
He says, What’ve you been doing man, where’ve you been
Don’t you know what year it is? It’s 2014!
Now I don’t mean to startle you, but I’ll make no apology
But there’s a thing we’ve got now it’s called modern technology
I tell him I’ve heard of that—science fiction and whatnot
Gene splicing—animal cloning—drone strikes
He says Not all of it’s bad for your information
Some of it’s improved our communication
I say, And how’s that?—he says, Well, for instance
Like you and me here, we’re talkin long distance
I asked him where he was calling me from
He said he’s sittin on the toilet in an airplane
Flying over the Atlantic ocean at a cruising altitude of 22,000 feet
He says cell phones make it easier to keep in touch
With friends you don’t see or hear from much
Then he accuses me of being a reclusive-type
Then he says, Hang on a minute, I’ve got to wipe
I wonder at what point does information
Become too much information
A minute later he comes back on
Picks right back up with the thread he’s been on
Says it’s also made working a breeze
I can talk to whomever wherever whenever I please
I made the mistake of asking him what line of work he was in nowadays
He says he’s a telemarkerter for Verizon Wireless
Cell phone salesman—spokesperson
Well at no promptin of mine he starts to striking a deal
Lays it on me, goes into his spiel
He says, Do you ever find that your signal’s weak
And you’re getting cut off every time you try to speak?
I said what signal? I’m talking to you on a landline
Rotary telephone, circa 1948
He says, Now hold the phone—let me get this straight,
You don’t even have a cell phone, am I hearing you right?
I’m about to respond when he says, Hold the line
I’m getting a call on the other line
Talk about getting cut off—
seems sometimes good reception’s not about where you’re talkin
but who you’re talkin to
I tell him to call me back, he asks for my number
I said You’re the one who called me, remember?
I asked him how he found me after all this time
He says he looked me up in the phone book—online
I said man, I remember when the yellowpages were actually yellow
And actually pages, too!
Well I hang up and wait for him to call me back
And I’m waiting a while, a whole month, in fact
One day the phone rings, it’s my old pal
He says, Sorry about that, I been tied up a while
Talking to friends, relatives, callin up strangers
Makin sales
First thing he asks me is did I get his parcel
I’m about to say no when I hear the doorbell
Sure enough it’s the postman right on time,
He’s got a package for me, shows me where to sign
And it’s a cell phone, complete with phone, charger, instruction manual,
Service guide, return policy, insurance policy, etcetera…
I said what’s all this, he says No need to thank me,
But welcome, at last, to the twentyfirst century
He says now I don’t have to sit at home
Whenever I want to use my telephone
He says you’re a free man, liberated from the cord
Welcome to the world of wireless
I ask him how much am I gonna have to pay
To live like him in the technology age?
He says it varies but it’s likely to cost
Anywhere between thirty and a hundred bucks
That’s per month, though, he says—but just think of the benefits!
Unlimited minutes, roaming, plus texting
I open the box, remove the packaging foam
There’s nothing inside even looks like a phone
Just a slab of metal the size of a bar of soap
I said, You are kidding me, right, I hope
Where do you aim your mouth on this thing?
Which end is the listening end? Durn thing doesn’t even have buttons on it!
Well he explains to me how to turn it off and on
Gets into an explanation that’s a little overdrawn
All about how its not just a telephone
Its also a camera, a computer, a thousand things in one
You can record a video and send it in an email with a message attached
And you don’t even have to get out of bed—talk about shared experience
Well I tell him I appreciate everything he’s sayin,
But I just can’t buy in to this game he’s playin
And I certainly don’t understand the attraction
To a device that can only cause you more distraction
Make you a rude theater-goer, an even worse driver
Pretty clumsy pedestrian, too
I tell him, don’t get me wrong, I’m not ungrateful
I guess there’s a couple ways this could be useful
I tell him I got a door in here that’s always swingin open
I been meaning for a while to prop it open with something
This looks like it’d be just about the right size
Make a good paper-weight, too
Sam Steffen is a Pennsylvania-bred, Boise-based singer-songwriter whose songs are the torch-wood for a new generation of
folk music that has learned from the best stuff in the tradition and aims in spite of everything to keep the human spirit alive and kicking. A versatile musician and skilled finger-picker, Sam is at heart a story-teller, and a prolific one....more
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