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At Least There Will Be Love

by Sam Steffen

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1.
If I wasn’t such a miserable failure—would you love me then? If I looked more like Elizabeth Taylor—would you love me then? If I was handsome and brave and strong and lean Had my face on the cover of Time Magazine If I was really as nice as you say that I seem—mm, would you love me then? If I had a more agreeable personality—would you love me then? If I had better hold of reality—would you love me then? If I had a corporate job and made a lot of money If I was smart, sensitive, sweet or funny If I didn’t call you baby, dear, darling or honey—mm, would you love me then? If I drove you around in a pink Ferrari—would you love me then? If I swallowed my pride and said I was sorry—would you love me then? If I gave you my word that I would always be true And then whenever you called me I came running to you If I didn’t have to ask you what do I gotta do?—mm, would you love me then? If I went ahead and just did what you told me—would you love me then? If I said I was yours, you could have and to hold me—would you love me then? If I showed you I could act like I was older than five If I put in the effort, if I actually tried If I was the last human being alive—mm, would you love me then? If I gave some time to think it over—would you love me then? If I tried again later, maybe when I was sober—would you love me then? If I wasn’t so lazy, so dumb, so slow If I only had somewhere, anywhere to go If for all of these years I had just something to show—would you love me then? If you told me something and I didn’t doubt it—would you love me then? If I told you I loved you and sang about it—would you love me then? If I had influence, title, rank, or position If I changed my name, my race, my religion If I told you I was eager to hear your decision—would you love me then? If I promised to leave you alone forever—would you love me then? If I told you we didn’t have to be together—would you love me then? If I took your advice, your offered suggestion If I swore I wouldn’t make any public confession If I promised not to ask you anymore questions—mm, would you love me then?
2.
If the sun tomorrow should rise and find me gone from your side If my life should transpire so quick as to fit to within the blink of an eye If all of the dust of my days should be scattered in ten different ways And the ocean complains that nothing remains to answer the one who asks why Please know that the sky and the sea Will not always be blue That nothing will always be The way that I will always love you If all of my cries should fall short of the home t’where they fly If they shatter and break on the walls of the gate that proves too strong and too high If word of me never returns, and my whereabouts never get learned And I’m somehow forgot despite how I fought to never surrender, but try Please know that things as they seem Will not always be true That nothing will always be the way that I Will always love you If your heart like an overripe pear should grow sour and sore If time should strengthen your will and you vow not to think about me anymore If one day your forgetting succeeds, and your wounds, they no longer bleed And no time’s left to waste, you’ve taken first place, but you just can’t remember what for Please know that the ways you can see Will not always be few That nothing will always be The way that I will always love you
3.
You woke me with a question from your distant past you said it was not urgent but it would require some attention soon I followed up by askin what you meant by that but this was later some time long after you had already left the room The times we’ve tried have not been few, although communication has perhaps at times been rare And tho I’ve said, it’s up to you, it’s clear to me that you’d prefer that it remain unshared And that’s alright, if that’s your style You’ve got that right, you’re not on trial I’d appreciate it if the next time tho You’d tell me something that I don’t already know I recall that you returned to me, eventually, with an apology you said you couldn’t write but had to say to me That spoke of things that never were, that tried to be, that might have been perhaps if only it hadn’t been for me You called me names, suggested lies, pretended I had only been your enemy You said, “Love is born, it lives and dies, and people change and are a challenge to their destiny—” And you’re not wrong, that’s not quite it Cause you don’t belong with me I’ll admit But the next time that you come to say you have to go Tell me something that I don’t already know We’ve covered all this ground before, there’s nothing new to speak of with regards to where it leaves us, where we must remain I know you’ll go on hoping I’m a wound to you while I’ll go back to dreaming at the drawingboard, my windowpane And all that’s left of all that was in me will linger faintly as a residue And looking down, from up above, perhaps at last you’ll catch the contrast in our points of view But if you don’t because you choose And say you won’t because you’d lose The chance to tell the mighty that they’ve fallen low Well tell me something that I don’t already know
4.
I'm Yours 04:03
Sky’s gone cloudy and the sun’s been dim It seems the stars these days are always late And it won’t be long now fore the rain sets in But all there is to do is wait Please take my picture when you go from here As it will help me not to feel so far from you And I’ll try less often to wish you near When, or rather, if, I do And if I should survive, as I think I probly will As I only ever have before It will not be because of me It will be because you know I’m yours I watched your shadow as you weaved the loom Your clothing lay draped over the chairs A Casanova with a pink balloon Waiting like a child on the stairs Please take me with you when you go from here As it will help me not to feel so far from you And I’ll try less often to feel the fear If, or rather, when, I do And if I should survive as I think I will, As I only ever have before It will not be because of me It will be because you know I’m yours
5.
Shes the sun at dawn, shes a dream you drawn She’s a train you’ll chase forever that don’t never let you on She’s beautiful, she’s both hands full She’s cautious as a fledgling calf, and fragile as a fawn She knows her bounds and your hopes she’ll drown Her eyes are like the well you cast your lonesome wishes down She’s a misplayed chord, she’s a two-edged sword She’s a bird that’s fallen that never even left the ground She cant be held, contained nor quelled And she don’t reside even where she says she’s dwelled She ain’t coming soon, but I wish she was For she’s the only girl whom with all my heart I love She’s a ragin tide, downright dignified A wildfire wadin through a callow countryside She’s my favorite song, my whole life long She’s the failure I was faced with every single time I tried She’s a waving flag, she’s a boundin stag Free as a feather floating down a canyon crag She’s a broken soul, she’s a lost-sheep’s wool She’s a priceless linen mixed-in with a beggar’s bandage rag She can’t be reached through spoken speech And she breathes in vapors near the boundary’s breach She ain’t comin soon but I wish she was For she’s the only girl whom with all my heart I love She’s a quiet smirk, she’s full of quirk She’s like ivy growin upwards through the garden lattic-work Her voice is sure, and her heart is pure She’s a soothing salve for every wound you’ve got that’s hurt She’s full of tricks, she’s too fair to fix She’s a churchmouse crawling cross the crucifix She’s a wisp of smoke, she’s a wooden spoke She’s a spur upon a bootheel that’s never learned to kick She can’t be caught, revealed nor wrought She’s a matter of fact, upon a second thought She ain’t coming soon, but I wish she was For she’s the only girl whom with all my heart I love She’s a friendly face, she’s a saving grace She’s a trap-door hinged upon a hiding place She’s a standing cliff, she’s a hieroglyph She’s a strong defense that doesn’t have no case She’s a windin brook, she’s a chance that’s took She’s the same old story in a brand new book She’s an ocean wave, she’s a shallow grave She’s the knight that left the bishop to defend the rook She can’t be known, can’t be left alone She is my journey, my friend, my home She ain’t coming soon, but I wish she was For she’s the only girl whom with all my heart I love
6.
I must be cursed; the fates must be against me She’s taken no interest; she can’t even sense me I’m a face in a crowd that’s well neath her status, That’s an audience to her, that she’ll never notice She don’t even know me, but that ain’t the problem The one thing we share’s having nothing in common A stranger with whom I wish I were familiar If only so that I could finally tell her That I’m helplessly, hopelessly, endlessly, openly, Neverthelessly in love with you Brokenly, quietly, quite unrequitedly Somehow inspite of me, in love with you I’m boundless and depthless and restless and breathless And it’d be a short list to name what I wouldn’t do To show you how sweetly, how madly, completely, How badly, how deeply, I’m in love with you Whenever she’s near, I can feel my pulse racing Every minute she’s gone feels like time I’m just wasting To somebody’s dreams she must be the native But she’s just in my world—I’m not that creative If I could imagine her daily and nightly And all on my own, however unlikely I’d probably need never roam any further There’d be no cause to alarm or alert her That I’m visibly, viably, undeniably Certifiably in love with you Joylessly, lucklessly, sorely, reluctantly, It’s not even up to me, in love with you I’m weary and woeful, I’m inconsolable And from the depths of my own soul I wish it weren’t true But I’m clinically, cynically, consciously, critically Admittedly—in love with you
7.
I looked all round the world for a love of my own Now I’ve been everywhere and I’m still all alone Just when I started thinking true love can’t be found Who but I should start falling when who but you turns around When I said that it takes time for new love to bloom It might be that I might’ve spoke a little too soon You know what they say, it ain’t good to presume It might be that I might’ve spoke a little too soon Well the first thing you told me is that youd be all mine Next thing I know I’m half out of my mind Feel like running and hiding, feel like walking right out You say you just want to know what I’ve been thinking about When I said as long as I had you I would never be doomed Well it might be that I might have spoke a little too soon Chorus I know how to want you just as well as the next Its remaining happy once you’re mine I don’t get I know that you told me I was all out of tries But that you weren’t kidding I guess I didn’t quite realize When I said that nobody’d ever make me change my own tune Well it might be that I might’ve spoke a little too soon Chorus When I told you I loved you unconditionally I was under the impression you felt the same way about me When I asked if you wanted to come be my wife I thought it meant that I would be the only man in your life But you got one in the stairwell and one up in your room Well it might be that I might have spoke a little too soon Chorus
8.
Bout the hour the sun goes down, I get to thinking of leaving town The trains and traffic they make their sounds, a blood within me begins to pound She calls to tell me she’s on her way, she knows I get round that time of day Feeling like I’d be stuck to stay, better off just a goin way I feel my feet start to leave the ground I step away and I’m fallin down I feel your arms they’re around me now But tell me, babe, do you have me, now? I’m hardly home and I’m highway bound I’m known to run at the smallest sound I’m known to hide where I won’t be found So tell me, babe, do you have me, now? Lifted out of the mangled mess, I’m back out on the top, I guess Just wrestling the restlessness, I won’t win but I’ll do my best She’s sturdy as frozen stone, does alright when she’s on her own The kindest of the kind of known, the closest I’ve ever been to home I think I’d live if she left me now And if I left would I be allowed I could love if you’d show me how But tell me, babe, do you have me now? I feel your kisses against my brow I hear you say that we should and shall I hear you say you don’t need no vow But tell me babe do you have me now? She keeps me close and she holds me tight, walks me through each and every night She ain’t afraid to put up a fight, makes it seem like it’ll be alright But in the morning she leaves again, and tho she says she’ll come back again And tho I tell her I’ll see her then, I always hope I’ll still be here then I spread my wings and she holds me down I try to swim and she helps me drown I start to cry and she calls me clown But tell me babe do you have me now? Cause I can fly without leavin ground And I can dive without goin down And I can kid without foolin round So tell me babe do you have me now? About a mile down the railroad track, I get to thinking of thinkin back I wonder if she would take me back, if she knew I was comin back Left a note in her dresser drawer, sayin how I just wasn’t sure Sayin how I would lock the door, but not to wait up for me no more Tell me babe, would you have me now? Now that you know that I’m broken down? Now that you know I don’t wear no crown? Now that you know I won’t stick around? Tell me babe do you have me now? Now that I’m somewhere behind you now? Now that at least I can’t hurt you now? Now that I can’t desert you now?
9.
She may not even remember me now, it was so long ago I recall when she left it was winter again, her footprints had trailed in the snow And when spring came around they had melted away and by then I had learned to forget That it wasn’t because she didn’t love me enough that she had been so upset And I know it don’t do nobody no good to say it now after all this time But it’s nobody’s fault, it’s nobody’s fault, it’s nobody’s fault—but mine There’ve been so many others since her, but she was the first And maybe it’s just cause I loved her the most, that losing her hurt the worst And maybe I am still just holding on cause I’m lonesome with everyone else And maybe I only want her back cause I’m so tired of myself But whatever it is that’s causing all this, there’s one thing to which I’m resigned It’s nobody’s fault, it’s nobody’s fault, it’s nobody’s fault—but mine This morning I found an old letter of hers in my desk’s bottom drawer It contained a long list of things that she missed about me and loved me for At the end of the note she apparently wrote I will always love only you And after all of these years what makes me afeared is thinking that it might still be true I wish I could say I was sorry now, how could I have been so blind But it’s nobody’s fault, it’s nobody’s fault, it’s nobody’s fault—but mine Now as I sit here in familiar solitude, unvisited even by noise I like to pretend that it had to be so, that neither one of us had any choice Its easy to feel like she did it to me, like nothing I said was believed But sometimes the truth creeps in through the roof and says you aint lyin, you’re just self-deceived Cause she was the one who wanted to stay, and I told her to go, now she’s gone And its nobody’s fault, it’s nobody’s fault, it’s nobody’s fault—but my own
10.
I'm Sorry 04:58
For all of the lies that I told For getting away with the fast ones I pulled Persisting, even when it got old For leaving you standing alone in the cold For holding back when you asked me to share And for wrecklessly leading you on For promising you I would always be there The list, I suppose, it goes on— For all of our planning on things working out, we’re just not very lucky, are we? That it won’t make it up, I haven’t a doubt, I just want you to know—that I’m sorry For all of the pain that I caused for burning the map and then getting us lost for refusing to pay what it cost for helping them nail your hands to the cross for hearing you loud and clear when you cried and keeping myself hidden from sight for never once ever taking your side even when I knew you were right I know it’s too late to take anything back And for new words it may still be too early But for whatever it’s worth, if it has any impact, I just want you to know—that I’m sorry For leaving it all up to fate For devising the trap and laying the bait For offering too little too late For destroying the plans that you tried to create for being the one who was never around and accusing you of disappearing for ruthlessly kicking you when you were down and afterwards trying to be so endearing The time of the day I don’t even deserve But I don’t need it, I’m in no hurry I know that you think that I’ve sure got some nerve But I just want you to know—that I’m sorry for wanting you to be like you were for acting so childish and so immature for expecting you to be pure and treating you like you were part of the tour for letting you fall when you needed a hand up from the floor you were sweeping for pretending that I could not understand the language in which you were speaking I know that my efforts have not been enough A gentleman I have been, hardly But before you go writing me entirely off I just want you to know—that I’m sorry For totally wasting your time For being unwell, saying that I was fine For feeding you all the old lines For failing to make you a priority of imine For doing the absolute least I could do And not even without complaining And for taking even your umbrella from you The minute that it started raining If you don’t ever want to see me again And if you never ans—wer me I’ll understand, but I might as well then Tell you now fore I go—that I’m sorry For making you miss the last train For keeping the torch lit for an old flame For driving you slowly insane For making you guess instead of saying it plain For treating this all like no more than a fling As you asked: O why must you tease me? And then when it came time to do the right thing For doing instead what felt easy I know in the past, when I’ve said this before Your silences have frequently scarred me I know you can’t put up with me anymore I just want you to know—that I’m sorry For utterly failing to learn For leaving long fore the meeting adjourned For making you wait for your turn To be treated decent, like it was something you’d earn For salting the wound, and fueling the flame Adding insult to your injury for whimpering whenever saying your name And making sure that you heard me Your more patient with me than anyone else I’d’ve featherd and tarred me But this time I ain’t gonna ask for you help I just want you to know—that I’m sorry For throwing you under the bus For staining your pride and abusing your trust For making you feel that you must For ditching you in a cloud of my dust For gorging myself, meanwhile letting you starve like some well-wishing judas For handing you over to the people in charge While you kindly mistook me for Brutus And nevermind silver, nevermind gold I’d’ve done it for thirty denari And if it’s the last thing I ever tell to the world I just want you to know—I’m sorry
11.
You been a poor wife to your husband, you been a bad mother to your child You ain’t been much to speak of to your folks in some long while You been something of a let-down to your whole family Aw, but you know you been a good friend to me You been bad news to your landlord ever since you signed that lease The only visitors you get in here are either junkies or police You been wanted for a while now, everyone’s your enemy Aw, but you know you been a good friend to me You been a disgrace to your people, you’ve exhibited no pride When the spies came you went to them and you invited them inside You’d be called a traitor back in your home country Aw, but you know you been a good friend to me Everybody says you’re crazy, when you look they all turn around Nobody seems to like you much you’re just too hard to be around That’s the same way that people talk when they’re talkin about me Aw, but you know you been a good friend to me
12.
Should your laughter turn to tears, and should your smile straighten out Should the minutes turn to years, and your assurances to doubt And should there be only half as much love here as you say If you never leave the path You tell a joke and no one laughs If you never learn to do the math, I will still love you anyway And should the ease become a strain, and should the work become a toil And should our happiness be plain, and inseperable from soil And should the tune become so flat which we always used to play That the music won’t come back We only hear it as a lack Both because of and despite that I will still love you anyway And should your looks begin to go, and should your wits begin to dim And should your age begin to show, through the wrinkles on your skin And should you become so old that your hair has all turned gray When your stories have been told And your teeth have all been pulled And when you’re far too frail to hold I will still love you anyway And when you are not here, and when I am by myself, And when the future isn’t clear, and when you seem like someone else I will not find you strange, nor will it be to my dismay For in spite of how you change, you come in and out of range It can’t be helped, you won’t be blamed I will still love you anyway And if we never aren’t poor, and if I discover that you’re flawed And if we always aren’t sure, and leave it mostly up to God At least there will be love, when all else has passed away And when pushing comes to shove When I’m no longer who I was And when nobody else does I will still love you anyway

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released July 31, 2016

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Sam Steffen Boise, Idaho

Sam Steffen is a Pennsylvania-bred, Boise-based singer-songwriter whose songs are the torch-wood for a new generation of folk music that has learned from the best stuff in the tradition and aims in spite of everything to keep the human spirit alive and kicking. A versatile musician and skilled finger-picker, Sam is at heart a story-teller, and a prolific one. ... more

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