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No Friend of Mine

from Failed Novels by Sam Steffen

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No Friend of Mine copyright sam steffen 2014

Well when I was a much younger man I traveled all through this here land
From up around the new England parts to down where the land called Mexico starts
And in between there I visited a lot of places, shook a lot of hands, saw a lot of faces
I got pretty close to some things you wouldn’t want to go near, I heard some things you’d probably not want to hear
But of all the towns that I can recollect now there’s one I remember being different somehow
Cause there was this man, I don’t guess you’d doubt it, he did this thing, well let me tell you about it:

Well, it was a midsummer’s evening if I remember right, I’s hunting up a place where I could stay the night
And I came on a crossroads about a quarter past seven, only thing there’s a hotel and a tavern
Well the door was open, and there was a candle burning, it wasn’t anything too fancy or nothing
But it looked like a place you might get a drink, have a spot to sit and some time to think
So I go on in, I’m the only one there, except for the bartender of course and two other guys there
And they was rough old boys, you should’ve seen em, so I go on up sit down in between em
I say, “Busy night?” No one laughs; tender comes over he’s wiping a glass
He says, “I never seen you in here before,” I said, “That’s cause I never been in here before,”
He says, “Where you from?” I say, “Nowhere special,” he says, “Passin through, eh? Right on schedule…”
Well, we talked that way for a little while, neither one of the other two even crackin a smile
Finally the bartender tells me that I look thirsty, I say, “Thanks, friend, I ain’t had a drink since Thursday,”
So he pours me a beer, I thank him for the service, he says, “You alright, man? You seem kinda nervous…”
Well I guess I must’ve been moving my eyes back and forth betwixt these two other guys
So I say, “What’s the story with these two fellas?” Tender perks up, says “Well, let me tell you

“The man to your right is a righteous man, man I’d trust about as far as I can
He doesn’t say much that ain’t worth saying, but a word from him is a word worth saving
The man to your left’s a whole other story, belongs to his very own category
I don’t guess there’s much that man ain’t said, gainst friend or enemy, livin or dead—”

As soon as he says that this bottle comes flying, the tender ducks and it breaks behind him
One of em threw it I couldn’t tell which, and then the other one called him an old son of a bitch
Then he says, “You wanna see something really funny?” I said “That all depends, what’ll it cost me?”
He says, “Nothin, just a minute of your time,” I say, “Alright, well that ought to be just fine,”
He says, “Ask this fine young handsome gentleman,” and he’s pointing to the guy standing right across from him,
He says, “Ask him to tell you about that other fella, the one there sittin on the other side of ya,”
So I say, “Why? What for? What’ll happen?” he says, “Nothing probably,” and he starts laughin
I say, “I don’t get it,” he says, “Well I can see I’m borin ya, just don’t try telling me that I didn’t warn ya
And then the phone rings and he walks off somewhere…

So for a minute I paused, I just sat there drinkin, nobody’s talking and so I started thinking
I mean, what in the heck could be so hilarious about these two fellas, he can’t be serious
So I’m drinking, feeling a buzz, I ask the man to my right what his name was
He says “I’m Jake,” I said, “And who’s your brother?” He says, “For that you’re gonna have to ask my mother,”
I said, “Alright, and where’s she?” he says he doesn’t know, points down the bar, says “My brother might, though,”
I said, “Alright, well this is getting exhausting,” So I go up to his brother and I practically accost him,
I say, “Howdy friend, putter there! Now what can you tell me bout that man down there?”
Well he shrugs some, and turns his back, he’s pouring out shots, knockin em back
So I try again, I always been persistent, he resists me again, like he’s all against it
Finally the tender calls out, “Naw man, you can’t force it!—I know he drinks it faster than he pours it
But you just let him finish that there swaller, and you’ll see, he’ll begin to holler—”
Sure enough, no sooner had he set down his glass, he says: “Alright, I’ll tell you, but just cause you asked:

He’s a no good long haired dirty yella
double crossin son of a
low-down lyin cheatin stealin
rank-smellin onion-peeling
lazy inbred foulmouthed grassfed
ugly useless two-bit unread
urine-drinkin whistle-blowin
storytelling feces-throwin
draft-dodgin muck-rackin
unamusing ambulance-chasin
money-grubbin motherlovin
counterfeittin good-for-nothin
unmannered lame bland inconsiderate
stupid selfish weak illiterate
helpless hopeless heartless desperate—
hang on a minute, now, I ain’t done yet—
measly little sneaky snivelin
treacherous leacherous daughter-diddlin
cold-blooded back-stabbin
two-faced disgraced carpet-baggin
unenlightened foolish misanthropic
uncreative oafish idiotic
brown nosin bootlicking
fingerpointin ass-kissin
needy greedy angry jealous
underhanded sideways overzealous
dishonest careless gross disgustin,
disgraceful hateful enemy-trustin
beer-bellied knock-kneed sorry excuse
for a cross-eyed hook-nosed snaggly toothed
pigeon-livered humpbacked chicken-hearted
don’t even go a getting me started,
he’s a genuine trash-feedin lower-than-bottom-dwelling
fun spoilin trouser soilin door-to-door-insurance-sellin
bootlegging egglayin naysaying no-payin
spit-sprayin belly-achin windbreakin time-wastin
unreliable ruthless unrelenting
freeloadin freedom-hatin, not to mention
he’s a card-carryin, proselytizing,
sister-marryin fascist-sympathizin—
And he aint no friend of mine, no, he ain’t no friend of mine
He may be a one of a kind, but he ain’t no friend of mine
He aint no friend of mine, no, he aint no friend of mine
He may be my brother, but he ain’t no friend of mine

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from Failed Novels, released November 3, 2014

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Sam Steffen Boise, Idaho

Sam Steffen is a Pennsylvania-bred, Boise-based singer-songwriter whose songs are the torch-wood for a new generation of folk music that has learned from the best stuff in the tradition and aims in spite of everything to keep the human spirit alive and kicking. A versatile musician and skilled finger-picker, Sam is at heart a story-teller, and a prolific one. ... more

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